We are back from a week in Hong Kong. As I mentioned in the last post, we had attempted to get away with some friends to Seoul, which was dampened a bit by Titus' croup episode. So, we tried again. This time we were also blessed with an opportunity to talk to some sweet people farther along in the faith and life than us. the time with them was helpful to just process through some things and try to figure out where we are a little better. no, one week away in a super fun city did not fix us. a few meetings with a sweet brother and sister did not fix us. that is a job only Father and His perfect time can do. but, it helped. watching Titus' sheer JOY while he enjoyed the swings was PRICELESS and something that my heart needed to see. watching Eliana's teeth chatter (it was just a tad chilly) while she was indifferent to it all because she was getting to swim in one of the coolest pools ever was healing balm to the soul. talking with a fellow quilter about sewing projects and getting to reap some of the benefits of her having a pretty nice fabric stash (gotta love fabric give aways!) was just plain fun. it had been a while since we had just laughed i guess or had a completely fund day. sure, we've had moments here and there this last month, but it's been a pretty heavy month. we had some pretty heavy conversations in Hong Kong, of course, but it was just easier to talk though them without the constant culture stress around us that we deal with here. anyways, i digress as i fill you in on what we've been up to the last week. (i do that very easily, unfortunately)
the name of the post is "On Jordan's Stormy Banks". You have probably heard this old song. if you haven't, go check it out on iTunes. I've listened to this song a lot (among others...we have music on all the time right now as it really helps me to keep going) because it talks about the place we are bound for. the promised land. heaven. the perfect world that awaits us who are a part of THE FAMILY. it's also the place my sweet baby is. it's comforting to know that my child never knew sin. i never had to watch the struggle of making a wrong or a right choice. this child never knew hurt or pain. just perfection. but, i still want to hold that baby. as much as it comforts, it still doesn't take away the hurt. but, all that is to stay, I've been dwelling on my REAL home. as we've been going through the grief process, we decided it would be helpful for us to name our child. this was HARD for me. we had the PERFECT names for a boy and a girl, and i had no inkling at all as to what we were going to have. i've just never been good at discerning that. so, i couldn't use those PERFECT names. and, it was hard to know what to name a child that you never got to know or even see. you never got to hold. never heard the giggle or saw the smile. but, as we looked at names (that's a hard thing to do as you are bombarded with pop up adds for baby stuff), we ran across one that finally just fit. Jordan Shalom. It reminds us of where our baby is and the peace that Jordan has always known and will always known. the peace that we yearn for.
I also decided to make a quilt for Jordan. i guess it will be for us more. eliana and i chose the fabric online, and my mom is mailing it over. it's going to be our heaven quilt. I've made one for all my babies, and it just felt wrong to not make one for Jordan. we've dealt a lot with the fact that they don't value life inside the womb here, and this is one way that I could physically do something in the face of that. when life grows inside of you, it is real. the loss is real. the loss is huge. the loss is life changing. if you know the ONE who makes life, then hopefully you look to HIM to pull you up. to put you back together again.
loosing Jordan was kind of like a guillotine. we were already dealing with some pretty big culture stress issues, and the grief of loosing Jordan was the final cut. the bomb exploded. so, i guess you could say that Father is performing major surgery on us right now. thankfully, we know what the outcome will be ultimately. He always has our good in mind. always. the stitches just don't feel very good. but they are necessary for healing. they are necessary. but, i would still prefer my baby back. i would still prefer to be getting up all night long to pee. i would still prefer to be monitoring my coffee addiction. i would still prefer feeling those first kicks that i never got to feel. i would still prefer seeing that first ultrasound instead of an empty one. i always will. but, these stitches are still necessary.
As i was in Hong Kong laying in bed one night, i kept thinking that Jordan was given to us to point us in the direction we needed to be going. that still doesn't make much sense to us right now, but we know that HE will make it clear to us in time. please continue to pray for our family as we discern where He is leading.
